Inspiriation...

I am looking for something. Aimlessly wandering the internet, not really reading, but staring. Finding something to look at that doesn't really matter. Or I am in the bathroom trying to take a shit and then staying there for an hour reading because I don't want to face anything. My mind just slides off of whatever I try to focus on.

I think I'm looking for inspiriation? I don't know. I feel almost like I've been looking for it all my life.. that when I find it I will finally be able to make the pieces of me fit, and lose the weight, and clean the house, and feel... productive and fulfilled, not like an ant going through the motions of life and not contemplating anything of importance, just going through the motions. I feel like I have been going through the motions for a while now. I'm not feeling anything touching me deeply. I keep it all a distance. Even family right now, and that worries me a little, because I have always been in touch with family. My babies are more important that anything, my husband next to or overlapping them. And yet, I'm having difficulty FEELING anything right now. Not depressed, not yet. I feel like I have emotionally wrapped myself in bubble wrap like the eggs that you drop from the top of a building to see if they break or not. I'm the egg, and I'm waiting for the drop.

Not comfortable. What do I do?